- Chief Debriefing Officer
Chief Debriefing Officer (CDO)
At a high tech company in Canada
As Chief Debriefing Officer of FailRun.com, I would like to take a moment to welcome you to our place of business with a strong motivation to go out of business. I, along with the CFO of FailRun.com, will take you under the hood of our dying operation. We will give you a behind-the-scenes look at how we’ve taken a business once successful, and turned it into a mere shadow of it’s old self.
Running a business into the ground is a difficult exercise in both poor judgment and lack of planning. It takes great strength and motivation to stay on top of minimizing productivity, shaming workers, withholding payment to suppliers, and other general malfeasance. With ever increasing levels of employee standards, government meddling, and accountability requirements, the task of corporate destruction is not one for the faint of heart.
I hope that you will find our stories and anecdotes both helpful and eye-opening. In today’s world of skyscrapers and success, we must be mindful of failure, and find the best ways that we can achieve it.
Sincerely,
Chief Debriefing Officer, FailRun.com
Chief Fraud Officer
Chief Fraud Officer (CFO)
At a high tech company in Canada
Hello and welcome to FailRun.com. As the Chief Fraud Officer of FailRun.com I am responsible for making sure this company does everything except make money, unless it’s going into my pockets. I’ll give you insider tips and techniques you can use in your own business to cut the fat (and essentials) to turn your company from being profitable to priceless (literally!).
You will frequently find me filling out bogus government grant applications, cutting a few hours of employees pay here and there, and looking for unprofitable investment opportunities. It’s a menial job with excessive hours but at the end of the day watching a company fall from grace to the ashes gives me the satisfaction of a job well done. I take pride in what I do for a living and it shows every time I take my Porsche out for a spin around the parkway.
You can’t always be a winner, and there’s money in losing!
Fraudulently,
Chief Fraud Officer, FailRun.com
Chief Illusionist Officer
Chief Illusionist Officer (CIO)
At a high tech company in Canada
As the CIO at FailRun, I am involved in promising miracles to clients and then making the fulfillment of those promises the responsibility of the production team. This is easiest when you are actually ignorant toward the concepts of the industry you work in, that way you can truly believe the requirements set out by your customer are somehow attainable. This is very important because as a failing enterprise offering the world at no expense is the only way to maintain your clientele until you’re good and ready to close up shop. At the same time you don’t want to make your failure somehow your fault, this would result in an unsuccessful failure. This sounds tricky, but I have laid out various techniques that allow you to appear knowledgeable and make your staff appear incompetent.
Follow my teachings and you to could take on an army of angry clients with only obsolete, pirated tools and a skeleton production team. And remember, Failing to succeed is a lot more expensive than succeeding to fail.
Sincerely,
Chief Illusionist Officer, FailRun.com
- Director of Production
Director of Production (DP)
At a high tech company in Canada
As Director of Production at FailRun, I am responsible for the day-to-day management of the production team. I believe that the ability to penetrate the target market is based entirely upon the ability to utilize existing resources to their maximum potential. I believe that any resource, whether it is a machine, a process, or a staff member can double its output if the right techniques are applied. This basic belief is the foundation of all of my efforts at FailRun, and my success speaks for itself.
In my 24 years of experience in this field, I have developed breakthrough methods in employee coercion, and have seen my employees put out in ways that even I thought were not possible. I intend to share these methods on our site, in hopes that up-and-coming managers can learn from the best.
Sincerely,
Director of Production, FailRun.com
