Since their inception, the automobile has been a status symbol. A sleek, high-performance car exudes success and class. In this series of articles, I will take you through getting yourself off of the high horse and into the driver’s seat on the road to plummeting corporate prosperity.
Generally speaking, there are trends and subcultures in the automotive world. Many young people prefer sport compact cars: things like Honda Civics, Acura Integras, and so on. Old people are comfortable in slushy beige Buicks, and of course, redneck types can be found in jacked up pickup trucks. What then, does a corporate ace like yours truly have the keys to?
To fit our needs, the vehicle must be expensive, exclusive, and most importantly, it needs to be fast. At the same time, it must be passable as a “company car” when the tax man comes around for the inevitable audits your company receives each year as a result of boisterous fraud. The only cars on the planet that meet this tough set of requirements are German cars; Japanese cars are too sensible, and American cars are too tacky.
The Germans are very industrious and have a strong automotive industry. Many of their cars are a nearly perfect fit for our needs, but some can be ruled out right away. First, is anything made by Volkswagen. The name “Volkswagen” translates to “people’s car”, which is a huge problem. There is no way that anything called a people’s car is exclusive enough for someone like myself to be seen in. We need something similar, but with a bit more oompf. BMW seems like an obvious choice; too obvious in fact. Those cars are everywhere it seems, and with the new 1-Series, they are far too affordable. With a purchase price that low, there is little benefit in writing off the car as a business expense.
At this point, there is very little left. Mercedes is not unlike BMW, so it has to go. This leaves us with Audi and Porsche, both owned by Volkswagen, but distant enough to not be considered a people’s car. The right models cost a fortune, and the howl of the V8 models exemplifies power and strength.
One thing to note right away is that leaving the car in its stock configuration is verboten. It is crucial that the vehicle be made to look like it is owned by a drug dealer. This means big, ostentatious wheels must be installed, and the windows must be tinted limo black. Tinted windows can come in very handy when stalking people or when hiding from authority figures, so there is a double benefit to be had here.
Next week, we will have a look at how to drive our cars in an authoritative manner. For now, let’s brag to our employees about our hot new wheels whenever they complain about taking the bus.