The Paycheck Olympics

Sadly, employers are required to pay their employees a certain amount of money for their efforts, usually twice monthly, depending on what their contract says. As much as paying out goes against everything we stand for, we respect the need to stay under the radar of the government and banks, so we have to shell out a few bucks once in awhile.

We pay our employees by check instead of direct deposit because it allows us to maintain control of who, when, where, and how much they get paid. Also, banks only let businesses of a certain size have a direct deposit account, which doesn’t apply when the business is shrinking like an untied balloon.

Sometimes, we force employees to join us for awkward and expensive social events, and pay them when they get there. This is a good way to ensure high attendance.

When we’re not using paychecks as bait, we use them for motivation. The essence of this scheme lies in the account balance: we keep just enough in there to pay the majority of our staff, but leave it a bit short to keep people on their toes. Often, we pay people around 4:50 PM on Friday so that they have all week to worry about whether they’re going to get paid at all, and to give them too little time to get to a bank and verify whether they’re going to be one of the unlucky ones.

What we have noticed, however, is that our employees take off with lightning speed when we hand out their pay, and some even make it to a bank right before the doors close at 5PM. Of course, these people end up being lucky enough to have their checks clear, so without even intending to, we have created a running race within our organization. It’s a good thing too, because by the look of some of my subordinates, it’s the only exercise they ever get. It’s a shame that we can’t use their athleticism on company time as a tax write-off.

One final method that we apply to this lark is to “certify” the checks, but for the wrong amount. A check worth $1350 can be made into $1035 and usually goes unnoticed until it’s too late. I have to credit my backhand man, the Director of Production, for that idea. Sometimes, I’ll even let the guy sign the checks himself with my signature.

Remember, employees need to earn their paychecks, not just receive them plainly as they are entitled by law.

About Chief Debriefing Officer

Chief Debriefing Officer has wrote 6 articles on this blog.

The Chief Debriefing Officer has over 18 years experience in the tech industry. After his impressive performance in the merger between two ailing companies, he was appointed Chief Debriefing Officer of FailRun. He is responsible for getting the status, making solutions, and oversees portal module development. The CDO enjoys weight lifting, martial arts, and driving his Audi in the snow.

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